What can I say? life has been unstable for a while now, since October 2018 for that matter but I won’t get to much into that part of this post,
Back in January 2019 I downloaded plenty of fish, for those who don’t know plenty of fish is a dating app, I mainly downloaded it because part of me hoped that if my ex saw me with someone else he might want me back, but also I wanted to meet new people. I met and chatted with a few people, did meet someone who I ended up dating for 9 months but as it turns out, he was less interested in being a couple and didn’t even want a label, in the end he dumped me via text and I never spoke to him again.
I then downloaded the app back and started messaging people again, once again I met someone on there, met up and it felt good, for a while, we met family and met friends and things felt okay for a little while until he said those three words a little sooner than I preferred, I didn’t feel it back but regrettably, I said it back, I mean I obviously felt something but it wasn’t love.
We then spent about three weeks apart, and this was the moment I realised, like a light bulb or a bolt of lightning, he was telling me how much he loved and missed me and I really didn’t, I started dreading the idea of being with him or going somewhere with him, his messages began to annoy me and I realised that I preferred being on my own, being single and free.
Before, being on my own brought me nothing but anxiety and fear, but the fear wasn’t there when I had those three weeks alone, I even had some time without my children too and it was wonderful to just be alone to clean, settle my mind, not get dressed for the day or even wear makeup.
I apologised to this person about the situation, explained to the best of my ability that I wasn’t ready for as relationship, which is a genuine feeling I have, I didn’t want to string him along anymore, I want him to be happy with someone else and for me to get to know me finally.
I realise he did indeed meet the children but to them he was only a friend who wanted to hang out that day, we didn’t how any affection when the children were around, I feel guilty that I did introduce them and part of me now no longer wants to meet anyone new because I do not want to be one of those mothers who are endlessly introducing men into their lives..
I have now deleted that app, and I feel content in my choice to be a lone wolf, I feel happier and confident, more so than I ever did before and it really makes me realise that life on your own isn’t as bad as it used to feel.
The time will come when I will meet someone, when I will fall in love and feel differently about my choices but right now, I don’t see that happening for a long time, my plan for my future now is concentrate on me, my children and enjoying all this free time to myself.